Rabbi's Blog

In the spirit of the holiday season, I want to be honest with everyone here. I am a wimp. Yep, it’s true. Now, I’m not a wimp in all areas. Specifically, I’m referring to when I go biking. Simply put, there are two types of riders. There are those that ride to raise their blood pressure, get in some exercise, and enjoy their surroundings. And then there are those that ride, looking for that amazing looking climb, that hill that looks almost insurmountable. These are also the individuals that share stories about how much their legs “burned” and how much they even enjoyed it. I’m not part of that group. And yet, any time that I do push myself up that mountain, up some steep hill, the next day, my legs seem stronger and my speed is faster. So as much as I am a wimp, I do completely understand that with no pain, there is no gain. Is the pain fun? No. Is the pain enjoyable? Not in the least. Is the pain necessary? If I want to improve and better myself, then yes. Only with a little pain and discomfort, can I move forward.

Thousands and thousands of years ago the Torah laid down a very specific command. If we wanted to communicate with God, if we wanted to reach out and experience the presence of God, we had to offer up a sacrifice. The Torah goes on to explain that when we offer up a sacrifice it shouldn’t just be our plain ordinary lamb or our average cow. No, it needed to be something special. The Torah specifically commands that it needs to be the best. Now, we might ask ourselves, “Does God really care that this ram is the healthiest one in the flock? Does God really care that this cow looks the best? Does God really care at this lamb has the most beautiful wool coat?” Personally, I don’t think God could care at all about any of this stuff. Nothing in the Torah leads me to believe that. However, there is “something” that does care about this stuff. We care. If we were a herder, we would care about giving up our prize lamb. We would care a great deal about losing our livelihood. Yet, the Torah tells us that we cannot gain a connection with God without giving up, without sacrificing, something that was important. To put it simply, without some pain, we can’t gain.

The quintessential example of this understanding of sacrifice is in tomorrow morning’s Torah portion. It is the Torah portion that is traditionally read on Rosh Hashanah: the story of the binding of Isaac. This story tells of how God tests Abraham. God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. But what does Isaac represent? Isaac is the most precious thing in Abraham’s entire world. If sacrifice means to give up something that is important to us in order to experience a closer connection to God, then it makes perfect sense why God would ask Abraham to offer up his son. Isaac is important to Abraham, so God asks Abraham to give him up, in order to be more closely connected.

Now, between me and you, I think this is insane. And when we look closer at the story we see that I am not alone. We see that God thinks this as well. Why? Because God stops Abraham from sacrificing his son. God declares, “Now, I know that you are with me. You don’t need to offer up something that sacred.” And yet, the message is still clear, from God’s perspective. For us to gain, for us to improve, for us to evolve mentally, physically, and spiritually, we must sadly experience some discomfort. When we look at the entire Torah, we can clearly see that sacrifice means giving up something important. Sacrifice then and sacrifice now simply means: no pain, no gain.

Rosh Hashanah is not only the Jewish New Year, but it is also the time when we look ourselves in the mirror. It is a time for us to see ourselves clearly, purely, and without any sort of biased filter. And when we look at ourselves in the mirror, we might see individuals that are a little fearful of pain. Now, I’m not talking about the physical pain of biking up a mountain. I’m talking about the pain that it takes to be honest, acutely honest. I’m talking about the pain that it takes to make difficult decisions that might cause discomfort for our children. I’m talking about the pain that we might experience when we don’t accomplish the things that we set out to do by the end of the day at work. We are afraid to experience that pain. When we look at the mirror we see that we would many times rather tell a little lie, let things slide, or just continue to do things that could be unhealthy for ourselves, all because the alternative is too painful. Yet, we need to remember the lesson of sacrifice in the Torah. We need to remember that with no pain, there is no gain. This doesn’t only apply in the Torah or in our workouts. This applies in our lives.

We definitely need to remember this in our interactions with our children. If we really do the work that we are supposed to do on Rosh Hashanah, we would look at ourselves in the mirror and realize that we have all too often chosen to let behaviors slide, let limits fall to the wayside, and even let values get nudged a little, all because we didn’t want the pain. The pain is the whining. The pain is the fighting. The pain is the complaining. We have signed our kids up for activities and schlepped our kids to social events, when there were things for them that were more important to do - maybe there was homework or religious school or even just family time. And if we put our feet down, we get the tears, the whining, and the tantrums. We must remember, “No pain, no gain.” We must remember that when we make difficult decisions for our children, dare I say when we sacrifice, there will be a benefit. When we put a limit on our kids’ activities in order to have family time, when we say that they are not going to go out until they finish their homework for the sake of their educational future, and when we even say that they can’t sign up for a particular sport this season because it’s going to interfere with their religious and spiritual training, we have to expect the pain. We have to expect it because we know that in the future there will be great gain.

This same lesson also holds for our relationships with our spouses and our friends. None of us are immune to the reality of divorce and broken relationships. What we learn from the professionals over and over again is that many of these relationships fall apart because people were afraid to be honest. With honesty, comes the pain that we might cause others as well as ourselves. But if can’t be brave enough with those that are closest to us, for whom can we be brave? Our spouses and our closest friends deserve our honesty. Telling your spouse that x behavior hurts our feelings, might cause a fight. Telling your best friend that when she talks to you that way, it makes you feel less important, could hurt her. Telling our dear ones our deepest and darkest feelings might cause discomfort and even pain. But with no pain, there can be no gain. If we are not honest with our significant others, how can we hope to grow and transform our relationships into blossoming, beautiful, and blessed connections that are filled with God’s presence. It is difficult to be vulnerable, but with no pain there is no gain.

These days of repentance are not only about our relationships with others but they are also about our relationships with our inner selves. Many of us are quick not to exercise, to smoke, or even to eat the wrong foods. We do these things knowing that they are bad for us. Why? Because of the pain. We will experience discomfort if we do what we are supposed to do. Who wants to experience discomfort? These behaviors also apply to our choices about work. We falsely think that checking off all of the tasks at work will give us meaning in life. We do this to the detriment of our families and ourselves. We do this because of the pain. We will feel pain if we don’t finish the list. We’ll feel pain from our bosses if we don’t complete our tasks. And yet, how can we imagine to have spiritually fulfilling lives if all we do is check off things on our lists. If we could only be brave enough to experience the pain of not finishing, only to go on a walk. If we could only be brave enough to experience the pain of not accomplishing everything at work, only to create some extra time. And what’s that time for? It is a time for God. Our lives are over scheduled. We can only create space for God, if we make it. And the only way to make that time, is to experience a little bit of discomfort by stopping work, taking time out for ourselves. No pain, no gain.

Unetaneh Tofek is a prayer recited during the High Holy days that talks about us being inscribed in the book of life or death. The prayer concludes by teaching us that we can affect God’s hand if we do acts of repentance, prayer, and charity. According to this tradition, we can affect our future if we do these three things. When we analyze these three, we realize that each one asks us to give up something of ourselves, something special. Whether it is our pride, our time, or our financial resources, these three things are asking us to sacrifice. We must give up something that is significant, in order to receive life and blessing. Simply - no pain, no gain.

During this coming year 5778, it is my prayer that each of us will have the strength to face the discomfort that is caused when we make the painful choices with our children, our spouses and friends, and ourselves. When we have that strength and bravery to face the discomfort, we can grow, better ourselves and receive life and blessing. As we better ourselves, we collectively better this world.

May we all have a happy and healthy new year.